his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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