Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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