If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize