I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
