Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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