If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
high people should be assigned attendants
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
