He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
