I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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