My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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