I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
