I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
