i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
