I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
