dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
