Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
