i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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