Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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