He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
