Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
the liver wants what the liver wants
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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