The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
