I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
