Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
