Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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