i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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