are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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