There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
