My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
