hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
