I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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