she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
