I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
