Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
