The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
