I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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