Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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