Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Say something about gay babies.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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