Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
