Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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