Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
