Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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