I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
