need another drink. this is the easiest way
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
