I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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