Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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