Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
