Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
