I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
