why didn't you poke me back
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
