you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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