the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
